For
the uninitiated, the tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of
Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're
gonna hear about it. Lucky for most of you, this is a random selection
of 2009 grievances.
I-40: You've been my best friend in 2009. But like most friends, you're a bit of a flake. The only thing I can count on from you is to make me late--for everything. You demand maintenance year round. The new asphalt looks good on you, but could you please finish up this major overhaul before I quit my job over you. This relationship isn't good for either of us.
Wilson Co: You are about as welcoming as a wart--interesting to look at, a novelty even, but ultimately a pain in the ass that won't go away.
Russia: After the 2008 freeze out, early 2009 brought what I thought would be the thawing of the Cold War. WRONG!! It is a strong as ever!! Allies don't treat allies like this. While the USA hates to sanction anyone, consider yourself sanctioned. That goes for all of your factions too. The US will no longer maintain a relationship with anyone who refuses to set the record straight and/or continues to operating in a manner that causes harm to their allies. Russia, you are a toad.
DVD releases: I have been complacent as George Lucas continued to take my money from new and almost never improved versions of the same films, but I am drawing the line. Effective now. A cavalcade of new releases hit the shelves this year--par for the course--but the nonstop versions are excessive. I don't want to purchase the same movie three/four times. One movie, please. Stop with the theatrical cuts, gay editions, collector's editions, director's cut, super-duper six-months later editions, gaffer's commentary editions, etc. Either release the movie you want me to see or don't release it at all. Unfortunately for you, Netflix is my friend. Suck on that!
Bono: I paid you $19.99+ tax of my hard earned dollars and all I got was a CD of crap. Yeah, I'm bitter, you jerk. How about a lot less proselytizing and more rock?
Ticketmaster/Live Nation: I could have started a trust fund with the amount of money I've given your this year. What do I have for it? An inbox full of spam, (if you like Coldplay, you will like The Jonas Bros--like hell I will!) and bad back. Gitmo detainees don't suffer like concert-goers do.
Christmas lights: After all that work, you have the audacity to go out. Thanks a lot, numb-nuts.
Alzheimer's disease: I hate you most of all this Festivus season. You have stripped my family of its figurehead. But more importantly, you are robbing me of my grandfather. Perhaps is existence is blissful--as you struck, he was unaware. But I see, hear, and feel you every day, the effect you have on my loves ones is despicable, and I hate you.
I-40: You've been my best friend in 2009. But like most friends, you're a bit of a flake. The only thing I can count on from you is to make me late--for everything. You demand maintenance year round. The new asphalt looks good on you, but could you please finish up this major overhaul before I quit my job over you. This relationship isn't good for either of us.
Wilson Co: You are about as welcoming as a wart--interesting to look at, a novelty even, but ultimately a pain in the ass that won't go away.
Russia: After the 2008 freeze out, early 2009 brought what I thought would be the thawing of the Cold War. WRONG!! It is a strong as ever!! Allies don't treat allies like this. While the USA hates to sanction anyone, consider yourself sanctioned. That goes for all of your factions too. The US will no longer maintain a relationship with anyone who refuses to set the record straight and/or continues to operating in a manner that causes harm to their allies. Russia, you are a toad.
DVD releases: I have been complacent as George Lucas continued to take my money from new and almost never improved versions of the same films, but I am drawing the line. Effective now. A cavalcade of new releases hit the shelves this year--par for the course--but the nonstop versions are excessive. I don't want to purchase the same movie three/four times. One movie, please. Stop with the theatrical cuts, gay editions, collector's editions, director's cut, super-duper six-months later editions, gaffer's commentary editions, etc. Either release the movie you want me to see or don't release it at all. Unfortunately for you, Netflix is my friend. Suck on that!
Bono: I paid you $19.99+ tax of my hard earned dollars and all I got was a CD of crap. Yeah, I'm bitter, you jerk. How about a lot less proselytizing and more rock?
Ticketmaster/Live Nation: I could have started a trust fund with the amount of money I've given your this year. What do I have for it? An inbox full of spam, (if you like Coldplay, you will like The Jonas Bros--like hell I will!) and bad back. Gitmo detainees don't suffer like concert-goers do.
Christmas lights: After all that work, you have the audacity to go out. Thanks a lot, numb-nuts.
Alzheimer's disease: I hate you most of all this Festivus season. You have stripped my family of its figurehead. But more importantly, you are robbing me of my grandfather. Perhaps is existence is blissful--as you struck, he was unaware. But I see, hear, and feel you every day, the effect you have on my loves ones is despicable, and I hate you.
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