Happy Festivus!! Due to egregious circumstances the airing of grievances comes three days late. I was distracted by tinsel! I got a lot of problems with you people! But lucky for you, the lateness of the hour prevents my tirade from being of epic proportions.
Oatmeal -- Your very existence I find loathsome. You are a gelatinous slop that preys on the tasteless palates of young and old. A healthy alternative to cold cereal? Nay! You are a disgusting muck of fibrous grain that is better used as spackle. You have successfully ingratiated yourself onto the breakfast table under the guise of health. You may be a comfort to the cold bones of people who, in their oldness, seek reassurance in the muck. I see you for what you actually are--disgusting!
The Digital Joneses -- You are the reason I feel inadequate. You are the reason I join Twitter and Pinterest. You are the reason I have an overwhelming desire to own an iMac, iPod, iPad and iPhone and why iSit at the Starbucks to show them off. They all do the same thing!! Why the hell do I need one of each?! Because The Digital Joneses say I do.
Rudeness -- It's not cute. It's never acceptable. Male or female. Rudeness will always be rude. If we, as a collective society, want to remain homo sapiens then a return to civility is a must. Look no further than the healthy reverence modeled in Richard Attenborough's Planet Earth. If the beast and the fowl of this Earth can love and respect one another, why the hell can't we?
Elf on a Shelf -- Parents everywhere are scaring the crap out of their children under the guise of inane Facebook posts and cutesty pics. Not only have you lied about an obese man that visits every December, a rabbit that brings eggs, and a fairy that collects teeth, you're perpetuating a creepy-ass elf to keep your kids in line?! Years of therapy won't undo the travesty perpetrated under the ruse of Elf on a Shelf.
True Blood/Twilight -- While I considered a stance on grievances for vampires, my grievance is on behalf of vampires. I don't think sparkly-a$$ed vampires are what Bram had in mind. The Twilight series is a poorly-written romance novel for idiot tweeners and unfulfilled soccer moms everywhere. Readers of this saga deserve a better story to love than this bubble gum vampire and uninspired klutz of. Bring back the cold eroticism of Lestat. Speaking of which, could rip the hearts out of the residents of Bon Temps. It vexes me that a television show starring Bill the Vampire and Sookie the Virginal White Trash Human has lasted this long. I hate you all! For the record, Anne Rice could take Stephenie Meyer and Charlaine Harris. You know it, too!
Personal Responsibility -- You should try it. Make a decision. Own it. Better yet, why don't you just try accepting your sorry behaviour and quit making excuses?! Quit looking for absolution in your peers or reassurance in social media. You're a jerk because you choose to be jerk, not because you're mother didn't love you enough. Quit pointing blame at everyone. It's fucked up because YOU fucked it up.
Oatmeal -- Your very existence I find loathsome. You are a gelatinous slop that preys on the tasteless palates of young and old. A healthy alternative to cold cereal? Nay! You are a disgusting muck of fibrous grain that is better used as spackle. You have successfully ingratiated yourself onto the breakfast table under the guise of health. You may be a comfort to the cold bones of people who, in their oldness, seek reassurance in the muck. I see you for what you actually are--disgusting!
The Digital Joneses -- You are the reason I feel inadequate. You are the reason I join Twitter and Pinterest. You are the reason I have an overwhelming desire to own an iMac, iPod, iPad and iPhone and why iSit at the Starbucks to show them off. They all do the same thing!! Why the hell do I need one of each?! Because The Digital Joneses say I do.
Rudeness -- It's not cute. It's never acceptable. Male or female. Rudeness will always be rude. If we, as a collective society, want to remain homo sapiens then a return to civility is a must. Look no further than the healthy reverence modeled in Richard Attenborough's Planet Earth. If the beast and the fowl of this Earth can love and respect one another, why the hell can't we?
Elf on a Shelf -- Parents everywhere are scaring the crap out of their children under the guise of inane Facebook posts and cutesty pics. Not only have you lied about an obese man that visits every December, a rabbit that brings eggs, and a fairy that collects teeth, you're perpetuating a creepy-ass elf to keep your kids in line?! Years of therapy won't undo the travesty perpetrated under the ruse of Elf on a Shelf.
True Blood/Twilight -- While I considered a stance on grievances for vampires, my grievance is on behalf of vampires. I don't think sparkly-a$$ed vampires are what Bram had in mind. The Twilight series is a poorly-written romance novel for idiot tweeners and unfulfilled soccer moms everywhere. Readers of this saga deserve a better story to love than this bubble gum vampire and uninspired klutz of. Bring back the cold eroticism of Lestat. Speaking of which, could rip the hearts out of the residents of Bon Temps. It vexes me that a television show starring Bill the Vampire and Sookie the Virginal White Trash Human has lasted this long. I hate you all! For the record, Anne Rice could take Stephenie Meyer and Charlaine Harris. You know it, too!
Personal Responsibility -- You should try it. Make a decision. Own it. Better yet, why don't you just try accepting your sorry behaviour and quit making excuses?! Quit looking for absolution in your peers or reassurance in social media. You're a jerk because you choose to be jerk, not because you're mother didn't love you enough. Quit pointing blame at everyone. It's fucked up because YOU fucked it up.
