Mr. Rice's Secret (2000)

This movie should remain a secret.  David Bowie fans, it's a true cameo here and nothing worth watching.  A total dud.

Unknown (2006)

Five men wake up in locked chemical warehouse. Battered, bruised, shot and shocked, the five known by their respective apparel or bodily injury, Jean Jacket, Broken Nose, Bound Man, Rancher Shirt and Handcuffed Man are forced to determine who's good and who's bad in order to survive.

The ensemble cast of Unknown should have been enough to build on the above premise. Try as they might, Jim Caviezel, Greg Kinnear, Barry Pepper, Peter Stormare, and Joe Pantoliano can't do anything with this mess. Director Simon Brand tries for Memento with a touch of Saw only to come up with nothing.

The screenplay is the demise. On paper, I can imagine a taunt thriller that twists and turns, creating an engaging whodunnit. Unknown is dim and dirty, but doesn't contain any bite. Through flashbacks our characters try to develop. There is no group dynamic or palatable tension. There is nothing for the audience to build on, no clues to collect or story to surmise. It's just plot holes glaring back at us. This movie is clumsy at best.

As I see it, Unknown is better left unknown.

Guarding Tess (1994)

In my defense, a 'friend' recommended this one. Even gave me the copy to borrow. Yeah, I don't know if I consider them a friend now. This is just stupid.

The premise is simple. Insane Shirley MacLaine stars as a widowed former President's wife. Nicolas Cage is the Secret Service Agent in charge of protecting her. They don't get along. Surprise!! But it's all a front to prevent each other from knowing that they really care. It doesn't take much to jump the shark with this one. Some ill-planned coup to kidnap and ransom Tess (MacLaine) hardly gets off the ground. What a waste of time!!

This is pathetic. Maybe back in the day (1994) this was consider good. As I see it, every available copy should be burned. Then again, those were VHS back in the day--they're decomposing as I blog. Maybe there is a God.

Gone in 60 Seconds (1974)

Having enjoyed weirdos Nicolas Cage and Anglina Jolie in the '00 remake despite its flaws, I was really expecting the original to be something special.

Back in the day, Gone in 60 Seconds might have been special--even cool. But in '08, this '74 gem is a product of poor casting, direction, writing, cinematography and dialogue. Even the legendary 40+ minute car chase comes across as ridiculously.

For what it is, a 70s lowbrow entertainment, Gone in 60 Seconds fits the bill. It has a real indie movie feel. Writer/director H. B. Halicki didn't know what he was doing, but it's obvious what he loved. His obsession for fast cars is real. That is probably the only reason for watching. Back to that legendary 40+ minute car chase-- the car looks amazing.

Gone in 60 Seconds is sadly dated and without a plot, script or cast to shore it up, the film is flat. Unfortunately, there isn't the saving grace of camp. Still, if you run on the exhaust fumes and can't quite get that grease from under your fingernails, you just might enjoy yourself.

Mad Max (1979)

Is it just me or does this melodramatic, revenge movie have homo-erotic undertones?

A young Mel Gibson is clumsy here; his acting reflects his age. Still, he's cute.

Plodding and monotonous, Mad Max might deserves it's cult status, but I can't say. Who likes this stuff?! Seriously.

Heavy Metal (1981)

The things you do for people you love.

What the Hades do you call this stuff?! This collection of animated stories is like a train wreck-- so horrific you can't turn away. It's just stupid!! The animation is pure 80s and ridiculously dumb. This has hordes of cult fans?! It's disgusting. Not even the solid soundtrack can save this idiotic mix of anime, aliens, some green orb called Loc-Nar and large-breasted, naked women. WTF doesn't even cover it?!

Heavy Metal begs the question: What in the Hell was going in 1981?!

The first story seems to be a complete rip of The Fifth Element, but seeing as this sh!t came first, perhaps it's the inspiration. I don't really care.

The animation is about the only think I don't take issue with. It was the 80s. I equate animation of this type to many of my favorite cartoons of the decade. My biggest issue here is the lack of intelligence. There is nothing of substance here; must one be 'on a substance' to enjoy this?! Heavy Metal reeks of lameness.

I am not this film's demographic. Thank God. As I See It, Heavy Metal is a complete waste of celluloid that deserves to be forgotten.

Step Up (2006)

Boy (Channing Tatum) is great street dancer. Girl (Jenna Dewan) is ballerina with attitude. Street meets gifted. Their worlds clash. Overcome obstacles. They dance together. The end.

Teen movies of the nature are typically predictable, but some, like Save the Last Dance manage to rise about mediocrity to be solid examples of the genre. Step Up wallows in the gutters of the clichéd. Director Anne Fletcher's lack of experience is blatant in this amateurish display. She would have the audience believe true tension exists between the mumbling spazbot Tatum and the uninspired Dewan. Please. Tatum would be better served to take elocution. Dewan needs some age.

The dancing sequences are energetic and repetitive. Dewan's 'senior piece' is a reshuffling of movement from the opening sequence. Even the (questionably) truly inspired scene in the restaurant comes across as like a High School Musical on the Streets. Sad.

Step Up doesn't require much of its audience-- a brain dead body will suffice.