31 More Days of Horror: Grindhouse: Planet Terror (2007)

I’ve heard a few people this film called many things. ‘Awesome’ and ‘instant classic’ come to mind. Allow me to call it something too. I’m leaning toward ‘ridiculous’ or ‘insulting’. Writer/director Robert Rodriguez channels his inner Quentin Tarantino to create a self-aggrandizing homage film.

Everything about this biohazard zombie film is intentional—the crappy dialogue, the B-movie look, the melodrama, the bloody splatter and gore—it’s all supposed to be an awesome artsy send-up to the 1970s horror gems. Planet Terror is one unintentional disappointment. The film is neither entertaining nor inspired. It’s just a God-awful mess.

Incessant blood spurting is only the tip of this revolting iceberg that includes heads exploding like water balloons, random events that include some type of dismemberment—it’s all death spiral of stupidity. The film has an air of obnoxiousness that deflates any attempts at humor. The gritty nature should work for the film but instead further emphasizes the inadequacies of production.

Rodriguez and is ilk must enjoying beating off to this bullsh!t as I can’t see that Planet Terror serves any other purpose. Bruce Willis—I’m calling you out. Much like Samuel L Jackson in Snakes on a Plane—your role here is enough to make me boycott every film you’ll ever do again. It’s disgusting that you try to add some validity to this mess. Shame on you!!

In order to be successful a film of this nature must have purpose and not run scatter-shod. It is all too apparent that Rodriguez had no plan of action or rather he threw it to the wind. Regardless, the end product is torturous rubbish that I wish never to have witnessed. To think this insipid mess-terpiece actually has a market offends me and should be considered an affront to the true masters of the form. Planet Terror is a nasty hack job that should be avoided at all costs. With no redeeming qualities—none—zombie aficionados owe it to themselves NOT to see this movie.