It’s December 23, 2010—Festivus. It’s been quite a year for grievances, but I'm only calling a few of you out. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna hear about it!!
Alzheimer's Disease: Yeah! You're setting a new Festivus record, Al--two years and counting! I hate you and everything you stand for. Who do you think you are?! You are an unwavering succubus--robbing my family and leaving in your wake confusion, restless nights, pain, and suffering. In the words of Cee-Lo Green: F*** You!
Netflix: You've had a banner year for profits despite numerous missteps from Reed Hastings and his minions. But you've seemed to forget the loyal customers (5 years) who have and continue to fund your rise to fame. You have become like a cell-phone provider--a necessary evil. No longer an underdog, but a meteoric beast who seeks profits over website functionality, social networking, and value oriented services. You give me pause to question whether you are socially responsible company you claim to be. But alas! I will continue to curse your name as I drop those little red envelopes in the mail and wish there was someone to take your place.
Label, label, label: Democratic. Republican. Independent. Enough with the labels! Quick trying to simplify what is a complex. As human beings, you and I are multi-faceted. Labels are for soup cans, not me.
Extremist: It’s not just another name for terrorists. By the very definition, an extremist is one who advocates extreme dogma or views. We are ALL extremists (see above) in some way. Some of you call it passion or dedication. The government calls is extremism or radial. Recycler, vegan, tea-partier, Catholic—all require dedication in order to live under the doctrine of its respective views. You, my friend, are an extremist.
Uni-names: Curse you, Bennifer! Whoever decided it was cute to mash-up names and create new monikers like the vomit inducing Brangelina should be drug out and shot. Those who continue with dumb-ass words like 'jeggings' in 2010 should be water-boarded. Call things what they are: Jeans-inspired leggings or two insipid celebs shacking up!
Facebook: Mark Zuckerberg you have essentially miked the amebic brains of millions of people. Narcissism has reached new heights with social media. You make the unimportant seemingly important. You assist in perpetuating the drama we all thought we could leave behind in high school. You are cruel.
Vampires: The once unrequited philosophical creatures of the dark have been replaced by singular pale-faced, high fashion emo kids who are monosyllabic at best—real deep. You have seduced a society of bored soccer moms, twits and tweeners and unfulfilled people everywhere who seek acceptance and love from the idea of you instead of loving and accepting themselves. It’s an existential nightmare!
Rewards cards: Damn you, merchants! You have slightly and effectively crammed my wallet full of pieces of plastic tracking cards under the ruse of rewarding my loyal patronage. I have nothing to show for it. Except for more emails, text messages, and a full wallet… of colorful cards. You have hoodwinked me by requiring a card to get a ‘lower price’ and we all know it’s not lower. You still make 300% profit. Only difference is, I gotta carry this damn card.
And finally, this submission from Angela:
I'm so tired of people saying "happy birthday Jesus". December 25 is NOT Jesus's birthday people! Don't get me wrong, I get it but it just sounds soooooo ignorant to me. Sure, it's the day that we OBSERVE his birthday but still…
Alzheimer's Disease: Yeah! You're setting a new Festivus record, Al--two years and counting! I hate you and everything you stand for. Who do you think you are?! You are an unwavering succubus--robbing my family and leaving in your wake confusion, restless nights, pain, and suffering. In the words of Cee-Lo Green: F*** You!
Netflix: You've had a banner year for profits despite numerous missteps from Reed Hastings and his minions. But you've seemed to forget the loyal customers (5 years) who have and continue to fund your rise to fame. You have become like a cell-phone provider--a necessary evil. No longer an underdog, but a meteoric beast who seeks profits over website functionality, social networking, and value oriented services. You give me pause to question whether you are socially responsible company you claim to be. But alas! I will continue to curse your name as I drop those little red envelopes in the mail and wish there was someone to take your place.
Label, label, label: Democratic. Republican. Independent. Enough with the labels! Quick trying to simplify what is a complex. As human beings, you and I are multi-faceted. Labels are for soup cans, not me.
Extremist: It’s not just another name for terrorists. By the very definition, an extremist is one who advocates extreme dogma or views. We are ALL extremists (see above) in some way. Some of you call it passion or dedication. The government calls is extremism or radial. Recycler, vegan, tea-partier, Catholic—all require dedication in order to live under the doctrine of its respective views. You, my friend, are an extremist.
Uni-names: Curse you, Bennifer! Whoever decided it was cute to mash-up names and create new monikers like the vomit inducing Brangelina should be drug out and shot. Those who continue with dumb-ass words like 'jeggings' in 2010 should be water-boarded. Call things what they are: Jeans-inspired leggings or two insipid celebs shacking up!
Facebook: Mark Zuckerberg you have essentially miked the amebic brains of millions of people. Narcissism has reached new heights with social media. You make the unimportant seemingly important. You assist in perpetuating the drama we all thought we could leave behind in high school. You are cruel.
Vampires: The once unrequited philosophical creatures of the dark have been replaced by singular pale-faced, high fashion emo kids who are monosyllabic at best—real deep. You have seduced a society of bored soccer moms, twits and tweeners and unfulfilled people everywhere who seek acceptance and love from the idea of you instead of loving and accepting themselves. It’s an existential nightmare!
Rewards cards: Damn you, merchants! You have slightly and effectively crammed my wallet full of pieces of plastic tracking cards under the ruse of rewarding my loyal patronage. I have nothing to show for it. Except for more emails, text messages, and a full wallet… of colorful cards. You have hoodwinked me by requiring a card to get a ‘lower price’ and we all know it’s not lower. You still make 300% profit. Only difference is, I gotta carry this damn card.
And finally, this submission from Angela:
I'm so tired of people saying "happy birthday Jesus". December 25 is NOT Jesus's birthday people! Don't get me wrong, I get it but it just sounds soooooo ignorant to me. Sure, it's the day that we OBSERVE his birthday but still…
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